Today, my day was supposed to be spent trying to get a “1” sticker
centered on a tiny onesie. I
should be taking literally a million pictures trying to get Elliston to look at
the camera and have both bright eyes wide open, while saying her name in an
ungodly high pitched voice.
Calling her every name that even remotely goes along with hers and even
some that don’t. Elliston, Ellie,
Ellie Rae, Ellie Boo Boo, Ellie Bear, Rae Bear, Ellie Bean, pretty much any
word with “bean” after it…. You get the point. I had her perfect one month outfit hung up near the front of
her long line of clothes in her closet.
I knew how I wanted her monthly pictures taken and what I wanted to do
with the 12 pictures Id have when she turned 1 year. But instead….today, I am sitting by myself drinking my
starbucks. I feel like I dry
swallowed a huge pill and its still stuck in my throat. This weekend I have been completely
overcome with guilt. Why didn’t I
think to ask for more monitoring?
Why didn’t I go to the er when I hadn’t felt movement rather than
thinking she was just big and didn’t have much room….or she was sleeping….or
any of the other completely normal things that happen in the last few
weeks? I am the only person who
could have said, “This doesn’t feel right, something is wrong.” How could I have not known what was
happening? I do know that this is
not my fault….but I also know that I am the only one that could have prevented
this. I did tell my doctor I felt
decreased movement, and even though everything they checked came back
normal…..what if I wouldn’t have been ok with that answer? How do I come to terms with the fact
that I will probably ask myself these questions for the rest of my life?
She is so perfect.
I miss her more than I ever could have imagined. I am filled with so much love for this
little person. It is strange to
have such an intense love, while at the same time feeling such ugly, dark
emotions as well. But today….when she would have been one month old….I choose
to focus on the love. That’s not
to say there wont be tears. I can
barely see through them to type.
But for today, I wont blame myself. She has made me a better person, a better wife, and a better
mommy to our future children.
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