Lips so beautiful, made to be kissed

On Thursday morning, October 25, we went to our regularly scheduled 38 week doctors appointment.  Elliston's heart rate was 151.  My cervix was very soft but not dilated.  They did an ultrasound to check measurements and sweet girl appeared to weigh approx 6lbs 3oz, score an 8 out of 8 on whatever it is she gets a score for, and was as healthy as can be.  

Friday morning, October 26, I woke up at 230am with some cramping, nothing out of the usual.  I went back to sleep and was awoken at 430 am with much stronger "feelings" and a little blood on the toilet paper.  Nothing different from what I heard was normal.  I was 37weeks, 6 days. I noticed them coming and going.  I timed a few and they were never more than 5-6 minutes apart.  I wondered how i had heard so many stories of people getting so much accomplished in the beginning stages of their labor.  Luckily, my husband woke himself up by having some crazy dream.  I told him about my contractions and how quickly they were coming and how intense they were getting.  We got up and started getting stuff together.  I got in the bath and watched a movie from the bathtub, just trying to manage the pain (which was getting more intense a lot faster than i had expected).  We called our doula around 7am and since she lives so close she came over right away to check on me.  My original goal was to labor as much as possible at home.  I laid on my birth ball for a while, but for some reason just couldnt be ok with the situation.  I kept asking her if we should go to the hospital.  She made it clear that it was definitely my decision.  I said i could handle the labor better if I could just be sure Elliston was safe.  I had no reason to think she was anything but safe…. I just needed to be sure.  We made it to the hospital around 930am and my contractions were about 3 minutes apart.  In triage, they laid me down and started asking all the questions that are super annoying when you are having contractions 2-3 minutes apart.  And one very aggressive nurse checked me and announced that i was not dilated at all.  She put the monitor on my stomach and was having a hard time finding the heart beat.  It started to concern me, but i wouldnt let myself freak out.  They brought in a doppler and still could not find her heartbeat.  I began not being able to breathe at the thought of what was happening.  They put an oxygen maks over my face, which was making me more and more anxious.  They rolled in an ultrasound machine and did an ultrasound.  As soon as the picture was over her rib cage, where 24 hours earlier there was a strong beating heart, there was now a still, silent heart.  From our miscarriage 1 year ago, i was very familiar with staring at that heart beating at each ultrasound, and now to see nothing moving....that sight will forever be stamped in my memory.  My husband and I began to weep as the crowd of nurses left the room except one who remained with her hands lightly on my stomach while she stood praying for us.  Im sure that is somehow against some hospital policy somewhere, but I am forever grateful for that woman.  My doctor rushed over and did an ultrasound herself and gave the official word.  She slammed down the ultrasound wand and could not keep the tears from streaming down her face.  After a few minutes of tears and trying to catch my breath i was still having major contractions and we were faced with the reality of what the rest of that day held for us.  I begged to be put under and to just take care of it.  Thank God I had a doctor who didn’t let me make an emotional decision and walked me through every scenario.  After 11 hours of an epidural that sure never seemed to last very long, conversations i never imagined having, decisions I dont wish for anyone to ever have to make for their child, and having to push out my baby who will never experience any of the dreams we had for our new family.....Elliston Rae Pitts was born at 10:06pm.  As soon as she came out, I heard nothing but shock in the doctors voice as she began counting the number of times she had to remove the cord from around her neck.  Seven times.  Something she said she had never seen in her entire career and never even heard of.  Along with the 7 times around her neck was a tight knot.  Although I would give anything for none of this to ever have happened, I am glad we at least know what the problem was. 

After the cord was removed, we were handed the most beautiful baby girl.  6lbs 9oz of pure perfection.  Long toes, which did not come from me or Colby.  Long fingernails already in need of a baby mani.  Lots of dark hair. My nose.  Colbys ears.  Lips so beautiful, made to be kissed.

As my doctor and every nurse and person in the room didn’t even try to hold back their tears, I just watched every one as if I was a spectator in someone else’s tragedy.  I had no emotion other than numb.  I am currently still dealing with the guilt of my lack of emotion that night.  In a matter of seconds I witnessed Colby become the most protective, proud, loving father I had ever seen.  I saw him holding the most beautiful baby girl I had ever laid eyes on, still not believing that this is my life…..and that is my daughter.