Tuesday, August 6, 2013

I think somewhere between writing my last post and getting up out of my chair I realized that "choosing joy" was just kind of bullshit and not really gonna happen for a while.  Maybe bullshit was the wrong word choice.  I think "long shot" is a better description.

I don't know if I was in shock longer than most or refusing to grieve to the depth that my feelings really went.  Or maybe the miscarriage just erased any acceptance or hope I had built.  But something has hit me.  Completely overtaken and consumed me.  I am not ok.

Ive reached out for help, but returning the phone calls is just too much work at this point.

Someone messaged me recently asking how I'm doing it....how I'm holding it all together.  I think if they were at my house everyday they wouldn't be asking me that.  They'd probably suggest a shrink.  Or maybe just a shower.  Both would be valid suggestions.

My response was simple.  I had no choice.  Actually, I had two choices.  I either kill myself or I survive it. And I'm not sure how option A pans out at the end and I'm afraid that if I were to take that option, I would never see my daughter again.  So I'm left with option B. Survive.  Now I just need to figure out how.

For the first time in my life, this is the only circumstance that time is not healing.  Not yet anyways. Hurtful friendships, bad relationships, work stress, etc....all went away or worked out with time.  This just keeps hurting worse.  In the beginning we were surrounded by so much love and support it was like there were people all over the country holding the weight of this for us.  And now as time and people have naturally moved on....its like the weight on my shoulders is just unbearable.