Monday, April 1, 2013

It's a careful dance I haven't quite figured out yet

I know I haven’t written in a while, and there’s a few reasons for this. First and foremost, my job. Property management isn’t anyone’s first choice of a career to begin with. Its something you fall into and realize you can move up and make decent money without needing a degree. My specific property has a high maintenance demographic of residents and is pretty much twice the size of your average apartment community. Drama all day, everyday. Secondly, I feel like everyday someone new is announcing their pregnancy. I am genuinely very happy for each of these people. I’ve actually not posted things at times because I don’t want to be that horror story that should be kept from all pregnant women. Sometimes I think it would have been better to have my blog out there in the universe, for other baby loss moms to stumble across but not have made it so open for my facebook community of friends. It’s a careful dance I haven’t quite figured out yet.

But…..I quit my job. Financially a good idea? Not at all. Emotionally a good idea? Absolutely. I am committed to my daughter. I will not let the feelings and emotions get swallowed up in stress of work and business. I need to heal. I need to process. I need to think about her. I need to figure out this new person that I am. A mother who has a daughter that died. A mother to future children that have an older sister that died. And part of that processing, for me, is this blog. For what seems like the majority of you who are currently pregnant, if you stop reading and just scroll past my blog, I understand. I probably would too. In fact, I know I would. Will this happen to you? Hopefully not. Most likely, no. Could it? Yes.

Life altering tragedy is something that is no longer foreign to me. Colby used to ask me why I always see and prepare for the negative. And quite simply, my response would be that if I prepare for the worst, anything better than that is a pleasant surprise. This situation certainly did not help change that mentality. Although I will say that it strangely is making me work to not have that view. I make more conscious decisions to not think negatively. Which is strange given that the worst case scenario possible actually did happen……and I was not prepared. But it was out of my hands. It’s all out of my hands. I can drive as safe as possible on the highway, but everyone else’s poor driving abilities are out of my hands. Our next pregnancy will be a day-by-day, hour-by-hour, conscious decision to not be checking to see if the baby still has a heartbeat. It’s out of my hands. I’m not ready to sit here and say, “It’s in God’s hands”. I think He understands why that statement is difficult for me to say. And I think He’s ok with that for now. I can’t control everything that happens to me. No matter how much I will try, I can’t control the outcome of my future pregnancies. I can’t be guaranteed that Colby will make it home from work safely. I can’t be certain that North Korea is not going to bomb us sometime soon. (How crazy is that?!?!?)

2 HUGE positive things that have happened: #1 Colby got a new job. A GREAT job. A job that has made it possible for me to take a step back. #2 my company that I tried to quit altogether has created a new position for me. To work under one of the owners in a low stress, corporate office position. So I am still employed, taking another week off, and my boss is someone who is committed to my healing even more than I am at times. I didn’t think I would be saying this anytime soon….but we are feeling watched over and pretty blessed right now.