This blog is so tough for me, for a few different reasons. One of those being, I don’t want to come across as if I’m looking for sympathy. I am very aware that my story is tragic. That every person who reads this does feel bad. And I do appreciate the supportive messages. I go back and forth of wanting to share and then not wanting to ruin someones day with a reminder of how shitty my circumstance is. But I cant help but come back to how much comfort I found in reading other stories of loss directly after we lost Elliston. Even today, I still go back and read blogs of other baby loss moms….if no other reason than a reminder that I am not the only one. THAT is why I will continue to be up front and honest with our journey.
Ive been reading lately about Joy. The difference between happiness and joy. And how possible it is to experience grief and joy at the same time…. If you choose to.
It has been a BATTLE lately, to keep myself from feeling entitled. Sometimes I feel entitled to be in a bad mood. Not just sad, but a terrible, mean mood. I have felt entitled to my doctor’s attention. Heaven forbid 5 minutes pass without my question being answered. And now, I feel entitled to having a baby. A perfect, healthy baby. About a week and a half ago we had another miscarriage. My struggle to fight off entitlement has gone to a new level. I.AM.PISSED. And I am for sure not choosing to find joy in anything.
I found a blog of a woman who passed away a few years ago from a rare disease. One specific entry was titled “Define Joy”. She knew she was losing her life, and when someone asked her how she would define joy, this was her response:
“She didn’t ask what brings you joy…. She asked for it’s definition. And I had to think about it for a bit. I tried to think of what REAL joy feels like to me… not the fleeting moments of happiness or elation, but the real, deep down, nothing can touch the lightness of my soul kind of joy. Here’s what I decided for myself: JOY- the unwavering trust that God knows what He’s doing and has blessed me with the opportunity to be a part of it.. not despite what’s happening in my life but because of it. When everything earthly feels heavy, He gives me an internal lightness that can’t be touched.”
So, I’m not there. But that’s where I’m headed. I will choose joy again. I will be sad. I will grieve. I will be broken. I will be angry. I will question. I will doubt. AND I will CHOOSE joy.